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| i think i miss him
SHIT i really do
what do i do?
T.T
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| he finally gave up,
and i let him.
it stopped and it started.
i thought i would manage,
i thought wrong.
i thought reading would take my mind off things,
but those words are telling me a story of heartbroken women.
sigh.
no help at all.
i'm too weak to gain control,
too hard headed to beg.
i think i've started to lose faith.
feels like a war just ended,
and i've lost it all.
would want to tell you girls in person,
but i fear i would break down,
just as now.
i don't need words of comfort,
i just need time,
and alot of fun.
fool,
i am indeed.
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| My face is getting better. Yays! But then again it's still not like before, not the kinda skin i had back in high school but better indeed. Dermedex works. I still got pimple popping out my my skin is so much smoother than before. I've only used it for 2 weeks so i'm hoping to see more improvement. The past week has been pretty colourful. At least i know that life is slowing seeping itself into me. I have to watch myself though, don't want a beer belly or my mum to get completely pissed off at me -- not a good time to be grounded right now.
I don't believe i messed up my first Public Speaking presentation. It was a whole lot of crap and i forgot what to say. But then again, it was my fault 'cos of my super last minute preparation. There goes my grades but since i only need to pass, i really don't need an A, i want it though. At the moment, having fun seems to be more important then anything to me.
I must say i feel like i'm gonna fall any moment. So, i'm kinda making preparations just so the fall wouldn't hurt that much. Pain is inevitable. Let's hope i won't be needing it because pain isn't pleasant. The last time we spoke i ended up in tears. Didn't have a real conversation since then. He's busy, i tell myself, i'm not lying, i hope. Time difference sucks, long distance sucks even more. Oh well, shall watch Alice in Wonderland to keep myself happy and occupied. Off i go.
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| Is it just me or is it normal to feel guilty when your bf spends a lot more on you then you will ever spend on him? I mean i get it. Girl like to pampered, showered with gifts, stuff like that. It's really different when he isn't around you know. I feel like the girl whose bf is in the Navy of something sometimes. LOL. I should feel lucky, which i do anyway but it doesn't stop there. My conscience won't allow me to stop just there.
I love getting his phone calls and i'd love to call him as much as he does if DiGi doesn't charge me 93 cents a minute(if you people don't know, i really don't get a lot for allowance). I really can't get used to spending all of his 1 week salary(btw, i spent 2 last month) when that cash doesn't come by easily(he works like everyday!!). It really pains me when he tells me he got scorched and has added another scar on his arm. He doesn't seem to be happy when i ask him not to call so often and keep his calls short(i think i pissed him off a lil when i told him off last night or it could be my over imaginative mind). It's not that i don't want to talk to him 'cos i really do but the ginormous money falls on me. So now i'm pondering if i don't want him to call for my sake- so i don't have to feel all guilty OR for his sake, 'cos i don't want him to have to slave around just to spend the money on me when he use it for something that's worth that cash.
However, I really don't know if i'm doing him a favour. It's seems to me like i'm not. It's pointless if the way i'm loving him doesn't make him happy. I'd rather love him the way he wanted to be loved not the way i think he should be loved - if that makes any sense to anyone. We really don't get to spend much time with each other(if you count talking on skype spending time) So, if he thinks i'm worth the cash then i'll allow it.
Seems like pointless tattering. Ah wells, i'm graduating this saturday and face is like crap. Shiats! And the stupid college made us pay for some photo thingy. Bloodsuckersss!
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| Got another photo shoot tomorrow since the recent batch are almost fully reserved which is real good. Starting to get a hang of things. Slowly getting "my life" back, like really slowly 'cos it's hard to do since my life is so restricted anyway.
Sigh, being Cinderella ain't fun kays, so people, please don't wish for a fairytale 'cos it does come with consequences as such. I mean sure, you'll get your Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet, but if you have to be home before the clock strikes 12 or have an evil queen that tries to murder you, it throws most of the fun parts away. You'll find your happy ending eventually, but it'll make you doubt if all the trouble and problems you have to go through is worth it all. I have obviously chosen the road not taken, I mean given the choice most people will stay away from the life i'm forced to lead, not the Prince Charming part, but the clock strucks 12 part. But well i'm stuck. And i'm not the rebellious type so ya, i'm stuck in dried cement with no where to move.
Thank god i still have the Prince Charming part which is well, i'm starting to feel that it's slowly fading away. There's only so much i can do. I will fight until i see a white flag. Rest assured i won't raise mine before someone chucks it into my face because i believe this one is worth fighting for. I may laugh at myself in many years to come but that's how we all learn, don't we? Shall call it a night now. News update: ms yeoh has passed out at QEII. Cinderella can't help her though even if i was there, it's not like i can carry her home by myself. So, good luck to you people. Have a good night.
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